How To Stop Having The Same Fights In Your Relationship Over and Over Again
Today’s question is from Christina: How do I deal with fights that happen over and over again because of negative reactions I’ve had to certain situations in the past? This upsets and bothers my partner, making him lose his patience and get mad; which then triggers me and I get upset. IT’S A TORNADO OF EMOTIONS!
One of the more frustrating parts of a relationship is trying to resolve an issue you’ve already tried to resolve before, but with no success.
It seems like every time that unresolved conversation comes back up, it brings with it just a bit more resentment, frustration and impatience; which obviously doesn’t contribute to anything productive.
When an issue keeps coming up again and again, it’s mostly because the real problem that needs to be addressed isn’t the one you’ve been fighting about.
To get to the real issue, there’s one thing you need to do that most of us don’t even think to do in the moment.
Maybe This Isn’t Working?
Whenever the issue pops back up and you begin to fight about it again, you might be thinking, “I can't believe he doesn't have the slightest bit of patience to handle this issue. If he could just talk about it it without being unreasonable, we'd be able to get through it.” So you attempt to convince him to be more patient and ‘just listen’.
While simultaneously, he’s thinking, “She’s bringing this issue up again?! If she would’ve done what I told her to do last time we had this argument, we wouldn’t even be talking about this right now.” So he attempts to offer the solution he thinks will solve this issue for you.
But you reject his solution because ‘it misses the point’ and he doesn’t want to ‘be patient and listen’, because he doesn’t see the importance of it.
Now, because you're both so focused on what your partner can do to fix the situation, you miss the opportunity to do the one thing that will get you to the root of the issue.
It's the realization that, “maybe my approach to solve this problem isn’t working. maybe the way I’m trying to handle this needs to change if this issue is going to be resolved."
When you and your partner can’t seem to get a grasp on an issue, it’s easier to blame them and continue doing what you’re already doing, than to humble yourself and admit your approach can be better.
So when you find yourself having the same argument over and over, instead of pointing the finger or just waiting for your partner to come to terms with your logic, step back and acknowledge the fact that trying something different is the only way you’ll get a different result.
Focus On The Real Problem
So, here’s a tip on one thing you can do differently
Take the time to consider what’s happening beneath the surface of the issue.
It’s easy to get caught up in focusing on band-aid solutions when the reality is, you need to dig a bit deeper to really get a handle on it.
For instance, if you’re upset your partner didn’t do the dishes like they said they would on that night you stayed late at work, getting into an argument about the dishes is a waste of time.
Instead, express to them that because they didn’t follow through on helping you like they promised, it makes you feel like you can’t rely on them to support you when you need them to.
Dishes are trivial. you needing their support isn’t.
Many of the problems in our relationship are rarely about the trivial things like the dishes or being on time. they're really about how we feel in our hearts and our minds when our expectations aren’t met.
Focusing on addressing the feelings behind the issues will go a lot further in making sure those issues don’t come back.
Now, I dive a bit more into the step by step of this approach in a previous blog, which you can find by clicking here.
So, I want to hear your thoughts. What else can you do differently do bring about a different outcome when dealing with reoccurring arguments? What’s worked for you in the past?
Leave a comment below and let me know.
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