One Question Every Couple Should Ask Each Other Regularly

There’s a common thread in the types of questions I get from couples who are struggling in their relationships. It usually goes something like, “How can I get my partner to give me more [fill in the blank]?"

That could be us time. It could be alone time. It could be attention. Listening. Talking. And the list goes on.

What I often notice is that many of these couples are caught up in a cycle of getting. Where you have two people constantly vying for what they can get from each other, while withholding what the other wants out of frustration of not getting what they want.

And so the dance continues, only creating more stress and resentment as it unfolds.

So with many of these couples, I like to share a question that Zaz and I have learned to ask each other which keeps us from getting sucked into that cycle.

It's All About Serving

It’s real simple. The question is, “What can I do to serve you today?"

Now, a lot of you who pride yourselves in your independence are probably cringing at the thought of “serving” your partner, but hear me out on what I mean.

To serve doesn’t mean that your partner should be able to control you or that your sole purpose is to cater to their every whim. Or even that you have to sacrifice who you are to make them happy.

What I mean by serving your partner is to shift the focus from what you can get from them to what you can give to them.

What’s easy to forget over time is that a relationship is something you have to give to, not just take from. It’s like a garden. If you continue to take what you grow without planting new seeds or nurturing the seeds already planted, you’ll eventually end up with no garden left.

At the same token, you can’t control what you get from your partner anyway. It’s their choice to give to you. But, you can control what you give, because it’s also your choice to give to them.

Not to mention, when you have two partners always looking to serve each other, the problem of ‘not getting what you want’ solves itself.

What Serving Your Partner Looks Like

A healthy relationship consists of two people who intentionally seek ways to serve each other daily.

They do so through actively seeking out their partner’s needs. By unplugging from all the technology for a little while to just enjoy each other’s company. By listening empathetically to a story about something that annoyed them from work. By filling up their gas tank.

The possibilities are endless when it comes to serving your partner.

So if you find yourselves stuck in the cycle of getting, swallow your pride and be the first to switch gears and take a step in the right direction.

It’s as simple as asking your partner, “What can I do to serve you today?” and following through with what they suggest.

It’s not just something that feels good in the moment, but is something necessary for your relationship to thrive in the long run.

So I’m curious. What are your thoughts on this topic? If you’ve ever gotten caught up in a cycle of getting, how did you handle it? How can you better serve your partner on a daily basis?

Leave a comment and let me know!